wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
You Might Also Like
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?