I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
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what does he know…
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”