*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life