I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.