Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes