Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap