Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.