.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
You Might Also Like
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
No Google it does not
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
🤣😂
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy