I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Sharon, call the vet
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this