[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.