I have never related to a cat more
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter