If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
We’ve come full circle
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
This bar smells like my childhood.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins