If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*