Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?