There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
her: there鈥檚 a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I鈥檒l take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
It鈥檚 as if the guy in the next stall doesn鈥檛 realize this is a competition
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(馃憜)
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don鈥檛 even have a garage.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what鈥檚 black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don鈥檛 know.
God: it鈥檚 you.
Panda: b-but I鈥檓 not red.
God: [leans in] you鈥檙e perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we鈥檙e going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I didn鈥檛 use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn鈥檛 want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don鈥檛 want my teeth sticking together.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you鈥檙e like glad i missed out on that shit
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird