I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
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Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…