Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?