Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
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I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works