Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Can’t, holding a grudge
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things