A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
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RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Choose your fighter
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.