Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Going into Monday like
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it