Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My neck, my back, my…