Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go