[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family