her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.