Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
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Ironic
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I will never stop laughing at this
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.