Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Love it! 👍😂
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.