Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
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[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Please do it!
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.