ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
#Caturday
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.