Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
You Might Also Like
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.