Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Why soy sad?
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose