[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.