Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load