I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
You Might Also Like
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate