i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
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My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.