I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
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The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.