My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
no regrets
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?