I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Siri: Retweet me.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.