When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.