Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My life in a nutshell
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG