The pasta is now
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Received some very disappointing news today
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Passwords are more important than ever.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Finally!
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.