[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
You Might Also Like
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Just so funny
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork