I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.