6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Netflix: We have Less
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright