I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
A dad and his duck
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.