A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
what is cheese if not milk persevering
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.