Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Leaving the Barbers like