Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
The asteroid..
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Always a metermaid never a meter
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”