When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?