[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
This will teach them to underestimate me
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”